Saturday, January 7, 2012

Must See Films In 2012 - Part 1

2012 promises movie fans tons of badass films that are sure to keep your hairy ass glued to your couch. Sorry, no fucking Twilight here, son. You go mail your ass to fucking Oregon and come back here when you’ve grown into a lumberjack of a man.

And here it is, the Macho Barbero picks for the year (sorted by nudity exposure release date):

1. Underworld: Awakening (January 2012)

Any movie poster that has the words ‘Kate Beckinsale’ printed on it is going to be one movie worth watching. Guaran-fucking-teed. At the same time, who doesn’t want to see a fine ass woman in tight leather suit?

In the latest sequel of the franchise, Beckinsale resumes her role as vampire Selene,  who was captured by humans shortly after the events of Underworld: Evolution and was subsequently imprisoned for 12 years.

She escapes imprisonment and found out that humans have learned about the existence of both the Vampire and Lycans, and as such, have raised an all-out war to eliminate both species.

I didn't bother to include any other cast. That's what you do when you have Kate Beckinsale in a movie. But to make up for it, here is Selene’s smoking scene from the previous Underworld: Evolution

How that actor survived from blue balls of this magnitude I’ll never fucking know.

2. Contraband (January 2012)

An action thriller featuring two of my favorite artists -- Mark Wahlberg and Kate Beckinsale (her second film this month).

Mark plays the role of Chris Farraday, an ex-contraband dealer who was forced return to action to help save his brother-in-law after messing up a deal with a prominent drug lord. 

The story, ala Gone In Sixty Seconds, is sure as hell loaded with guns, drugs and hopefully, some Kate Beckinsale "scenes".

3. Safe House (February 2012)

This is another action thriller featuring Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds. The story takes place in South Africa where a CIA operated safe house was destroyed by rebels, forcing the facility's new keeper Matt Weston (Reynolds) in charge of moving and protecting a protected criminal, Tobin Frost (Washington).

While Reynolds has yet to prove he's worthy of an action star status, Washington is a proven badass of whoop-assing.

On a totally unrelated note, Reynolds' ex looks insanely hot.

4. Wrath of the Titans (March 2012)

A sequel to the 2010 film Clash of the Titans, the film takes place 10 years after its predecessor. Perseus, who is still portrayed by Sam Worthington, now lives a peaceful life as a fisherman. He now has a 10 year old son, Helius.

Remember 'Io', the unbelievably hot nymph? Yeah, she's not here. FML.

In the story, another war has started when Hades and Ares teamed up with Kronos to capture Zeus. For those who don't give a rats ass about Greek Mythology, Kronos was the leader of the first generation of Titans and is the father of Zeus. He was overthrown by Zeus and was imprisoned in Tartarus.

It is still a fucking mystery why the idiot producers didn't cast Gemma Arterton.

5. The Avengers (May 2012)

The much awaited film of this year will feature four (4) of previously featured Marvel superheroes, alongside new characters.

Captain America: Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away, what are you?
Tony Stark: Uh genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.. and the son of the guy who made your shield, jackass.

Captain America (Chris Evans), The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Ironman (Robert Downey Jr.) and Thor (Chris Hemsworth) will be joined by other Marvel characters Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Nick Fury (Samuel Jackson). Together they form the "Earth's mightiest heroes", The Avengers.

Black Widow checking the 'Earth's mightiest ass cheeks' for any post battle wound.

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